Staycation at the Landmark Mandarin Oriental Hotel & Restaurants Somm and Please Don't Tell — THE ARDENT GOURMET: RESTAURANT, HOTEL, AND TRAVEL REVIEWS

June 19-20, 2020

You’re accustomed to the MTR mosh-pit. So, it’s amazing how you immediately take to the chauffeur-driven Mercedes sent by the Landmark Mandarin Oriental Hotel to fetch you for a one-day staycation. You and your wife wriggle-wruggle within its leather upholstery like pups in a pillow pile as it carries you to your rendezvous with luxury. Your sweet plum for ten years of happy marriage.

You exit and the Merc’s doors close behind you with a refined, solid, comforting thunk. The woman who checks you in is personable and professional. There are exquisite floral displays, elegant stone floors, smooth service. The hotel has – what would the word be? -- thunk. It is refined, solid, comforting.

Your room is larger than your entire apartment and has the look of a room in a wealthy, tasteful home. All of its elements, from rugs to fabrics to furniture to lighting to plumbing fixtures are smart. It is the style to which you wish to be accustomed.

There are switches for everything, drapes, shades, lights, TVs. When you attempt to turn off the lights the drapes close. When you attempt to close the drapes, the lights in the bathroom turn on. Thank God there is no self-destruct switch. You’d vaporize Hong Kong attempting to turn on the TV hidden within the bathroom mirror. You sense that there is an overarching scheme to these switches that possibly you could master someday if only you could afford to stay here long enough which you can’t. If they faintly glowed in a darkened room this would help as would wearing glasses.

It’s good the room has curtains and drapes because the ample windows on either corner are open to the view of neighboring buildings giving your room the quality of a connubial diorama. The interesting view is in, not out.

The bathroom is large, beautiful, outfitted with Cochine toiletries.

There are quibbles, of course. Your wife notes that there is no outlet in the bathroom to plug in her curling iron. The make-up mirror is chest height. There’s no nightlight, at least that you can find, to navigate the bathroom at night. You wish the toilet had an electric bidet seat. You’re greeted by a bottle of iced Prosecco and white-chocolate dipped strawberries.

Champagne would hit a higher note than Prosecco (and cost the hotel only a farthing more). Nits aside, you are delighted. You road-test the sheets and pillows on the king-size bed. Posh.

PLEASE DON’T TELL SPEAKEASY

At 5 PM you start your evening at the ground-floor speakeasy, Please Don’t Tell, by traversing a raucous bar, ascending a stairway, entering a phone booth and pressing a particular number on a telephone which opens a secret door.

Escorted to a shadowed corner, you order a Zuyu Collins, mixing Zubrowka Vodka, Cocchi Americano, Giffard Apricot Liqueur, Salted Lime, and Kimino Yuzu Soda. You are drawn to the apricot liqueur, a flavor you adore, but it is utterly indiscernible in the drink. In fact, the drink tastes like a pack of molten lifesavers, sweet and vaguely fruit-like, no more. It costs 158 HKD. Your wife has a Long Ball, mixing Ciroc Vodka, Lemon Juice, Oolong Tea, and Moet Brut Imperial Champagne with a delicate purple orchid on top. She enjoys it, “a refreshing and pretty confection.” It tastes to you indistinguishable from your drink. Another sweet glump for 158 HKD.

What is it with bars serving drinks that seem to be made not by bartenders but by people playing bartenders? It’s the critical difference between doctors and people playing doctors. And why the need to give the provenance of every ingredient as though all discerning people have strong opinions on the exact brand of Apricot liqueur in a drink? This is stunt mixology, rooting back to the mythic line, “shaken not stirred,” and bears no relation to the drink you had two years ago at Amber, seven floors up, best wine cocktail of your life. It mixed Pinot Noir with Cassis and Lychee Syrup (the latter two in elegant carafes so you could add to taste). Amber, secure in its stature, felt no need to trumpet the provenance of the Cassis. No need to proclaim the sub-phylum of the lychees in the syrup. No compulsion to hop it up with another four ingredients. Without fanfare it was a drink of distinction.

The bar also serves gourmet hot dogs and tater tots as snacks. You try the Takayoki Tots, 148 HKD, covered in Kewpie mayo, Takoyaki sauce, shredded Nori, Bonito, and Scallions (once again, the long list of ingredients as though this confers stature). The agglomerate taste is like tater tots in slightly fishy mayo. Kin to the drinks, this is gimmick food, meant to convey hipness by overlaying gourmet affect on simple dishes, a commonplace trope these days (gourmet sliders, gourmet mac and cheese, gourmet nachos). You can even order tater tots with caviar for 1488 HKD (which you suspect is a sanity test). You’re surprised to see this at the staid Mandarin of all places. It’s like finding out that your tweedy uncle with a chair at Princeton has a teenage girlfriend who pops bubblegum.

DINNER AT SOMM

At 7:30 PM you ascend to wine-bar Somm. It is a jewel box of carved wood, leather, and crafted metal with a central curved bar. It rings with laughter making it somewhat difficult to hear and you must lean close to speak. A charming French server -- you take to be manager -- describes the menu. He has a sophisticated understanding of the wines and food. Per romantic ritual, you each order a glass of Ruinart Rosé champagne (at 290 HKD a glass) that is served in exquisite Austrian Zalto stemware, each delicate piece art itself. You’d buy this stemware, except for the fact that its maintenance would cost you more in anxiety than the aesthetic pleasure it gives. The champagne is delicious though perhaps unequal to its exospheric price (you could buy three or four fine bottles of champagne in the states for the cost of these two glasses). Of course, the price includes the use of the stemware which you see online in the neighborhood of 480 HKD apiece.

Sourdough bread is served, same as Amber’s, with salted French butter. It is so good you could imagine returning just for it alone.

You order Homemade Pork Paté en Croute and Foie Gras with pickled cabbage and raspberry. Often the “croute” or crust in this concoction is inedible, serving only as a shell for the paté within. In this case it is not only edible but delicious. The clarified aspic on top – challenging to make - is delightful. The paté is quite good though you think the foie gras, undoubtedly included as status catnip for customers, is too mild to assert its flavor within the pork paté itself. (Your wife, on the other hand, feels that the foie gras lends a creaminess to the paté and adores it.) What would really elevate this paté in your view would be the inclusion of some pistachios and currants or dried sour cherries macerated in brandy. The side of pickled cabbage and raspberry is great though if you left the raspberry out you’d hardly notice.

Next, Lozere Lamb leg, Borlotti beans, Piquillo peppers, and extra virgin olive oil. This is a handsome cylinder of lamb cooked sous vide to a perfect medium in a sauce of chopped piquillo pepper, tomato, and borlotti beans. Lamb jus is added at the moment of serving. Sharp intelligence informs this dish, but it doesn’t work. The beans, peppers, tomato -- a traditional Spanish or Basque combination—are by themselves delicious. But the jus simply gets lost in this bold mixture. One or the other should be served, not both. The lamb is perfectly cooked, but so mild to be almost devoid of flavor. Had it been salted or seared (preferably both, like lamb chops) it might have brought forth a charred lamby flavor to contrast with the sauce. And then to make it worse, your wife’s portion (though not yours) is laced with silver skin (tough, unpleasant membrane) which she (nor you) can abide. Tenderloin would have been a better cut.

Potato and Black Winter Truffle Gratin Dauphinois is a potato gratin with Australian black truffles. Alas, the truffles, which entice you, are virtually flavorless. So, this is no more than an unremarkable potato gratin, tasty enough.

The tomatoes in Fruit Tomatoes, Watermelon, Myoga, and Basil Salad are by themselves delicious. But you feel they’re in different keys of sweetness altogether from the watermelon. You’ve heard of them mixed before, but somehow they don’t work here. Perhaps a salty element like feta might bind them. The myoga, or Japanese ginger, is flavorless.

For dessert you have a Grand Marnier Baba with Earl Grey Chantilly & Citrus Fruits. It’s good, but you would have preferred it with rum which is classic. And you would have preferred your own small cake with the flavor and texture of its crust in contrast to a slice from a larger cake. You cannot detect the taste of Earl Grey in the Chantilly whatsoever although you do like the small crescents of fresh citrus.

They give you a slice of delicious strawberry tart and ice cream as an anniversary gift which you appreciate. And they finish the meal with warm Financiers flavored with orange blossom water if you remember correctly. They’re utterly, memorably scrumptious.

Financier flavored with Orange Blossom Water

In sum, you like the restaurant design, you like its buzz, you like your knowledgeable server, you like your champagne and the stemware, you sense a very high functioning culinary intelligence behind the food, but it’s loud and your meal doesn’t jell. It is not worth anywhere near the price of 2059 HKD (25% of which is deducted, thank goodness, at checkout as staycation discount).

BREAKFAST AT SOMM

You sleep in late next morning and wake to CNN and good joe from the in-room machine. The hotel robes are remarkably comfortable. The rain shower is powerful. You don’t know how you have managed to survive up to this point without a television hidden inside your bathroom mirror. You have a few problems with internet. The hotel deals with them patiently, swiftly, effectively. You return to Somm for late breakfast.

On the lift you are greeted warmly by staff who happen to be within. Warmth is ubiquitous here.

Excellent coffee with a small pitcher of hot milk. Pineapple juice for your wife. Orange for you. Neither is fresh-made which you think is a jarring lapse, for nothing less will do. Marriages have foundered on this reef.

You start with last night’s remarkable bread toasted, your wife with a croissant that she says is its equal. With each comes a small cone of the same butter as last night, but unsalted, as well as three luminous jellies (from Alsace you’re told), sour cherry, pear, and framboise. Bliss!

You order a Belgian Waffle with Dingley Dell Cumberland Sausage, Crispy Hickory Smoked Bacon, HP Sauce & Maple Syrup. The HP Sauce is similar to or perhaps even the same as Lea & Perrins Steak Sauce that you know from the states. You never would have thought it would go on a waffle along with maple syrup, but it does. This is fabulous. Your wife has Dark Cereal Bread with Crushed Avocado and Poached Cage Free Egg, Green Vegetables, and Pistachio Salad. Delicious again! There are perfect, sweet fresh- shucked peas mixed with the avocado, a few haricot vert and slices of al dente baby asparagus.

Dark Cereal Bread with Crushed Avocado and Poached Cage Free Egg, Green Vegetables, and Pistachio Salad.

You finish with half a perfect avocado sprinkled with sea salt, your wife with two piano keys of house-made hash browns. Yum. More coffee. Breakfast costs about 640 HKD, free per the staycation deal.

POOL AND BUBBLEBATH

In a food stupor, but intent to extract the maximum from your stay, you head back to your room and suit up for the pool. It is on the 5th floor, next to the spa, near a superb gym, entirely indoors with a narrow skylight. You kick a few laps, doze a little. The pool lacks the excitement of a rooftop pool, or, better yet, rooftop infinity pool with a pisco sour waiting at your chaise. You grow bored.

You return for your in-room bath experience which is a prodigious bubblebath – better suited for children than adults -- in your large circular tub. If you visit again you’ll skip this.

4 PM checkout is gracious and easy. Given what you pay, you think that a Benzmobile home would not be out of line, to bring closure.

EVALUATION OF LANDMARK MANDARIN ORIENTAL STAYCATION

Your room (upgraded) is 4730 HKD with service charge. The cost of Please Don’t Tell is 510 HKD. The hotel covers 500 HKD of this. Dinner at Somm is 25% off, coming to 1591 HKD. Breakfast is covered. They pick you up in a Benz (saving you 100 HKD taxi-fare) and comp a bottle of chilled Prosecco and chocolate-dipped strawberries. Total cost for the whole shooting match is 6331 HKD, much more expensive than your typical per day vacation cost elsewhere even factoring airfare.

You feel the speakeasy is someone’s clever idea beneath the dignity of the hotel. You dislike it.

Somm’s dinner disappoints. The restaurant obviously has enormous potential and you’re hopeful they’ll snap things right.

Somm’s breakfast is terrific. You could live on their toast and jellies. Please serve fresh-made juice.

The hotel component of the staycation comes out to roughly 75% of the price. You give the hotel itself a solid A. The food component, comprising about 25% of the cost, ranges from bad to okay to excellent. Though it’s misleading to average these ratings, you give the food an overall C+. Therefore, weighting everything, you give your staycation a B, good, not excellent.

For those to whom price is irrelevant, this may be fine. For you, to whom price is relevant and food paramount, this nettles. You had a pleasant time, but feel you overpaid. After all, were travel possible, the two of you could have flown to Vietnam, stayed at a nice hotel with a rooftop pool for two days, and eaten scrumptious chow for about one-day’s cost here.

You think that when you staycation next you’ll lobby for a hotel with a rooftop pool. And you’ll go a la carte, choosing a less expensive hotel that’s almost as good (Hyatt, say) and perhaps off-premise restaurants you know are reliably great (such as New Punjab Club, Brut or even Amber). This would give you more of what you want at a better price.

You don’t regret coming but would not return. For well-heeled folk though who like to relax and shop or tenderize in the spa, and who don’t worship their bellies as do you, this deal may give the thunk they crave.

SOMM Dinner

Rating (on a scale of 0 to 5)

Food: 3

Ambiance: 4 (it would be a 4.5 but for the poor acoustics)

Service: 4

Overall Value: 3.5

SOMM Breakfast

Rating (on a scale of 0 to 5)

Food: 4

Ambiance: 4.5 (acoustics were no issue at this time of day)

Service: 4

Overall Value: 4

PLEASE DON’T TELL Speakeasy

Rating (on a scale of 0 to 5)

Drinks: 2

Food: 2

Ambiance: 3.5

Service: 2.5

Overall Value: 2.5

LANDMARK MANDARIN ORIENTAL HOTEL

Ambiance: 5

Service and Tone: 5

Room and Bathroom quality: 5

Amenities: 5

Overall Stature: 5

STAYCATION AT THE LANDMARK MANDARIN ORIENTAL HOTEL, START TO FINISH, INCLUDING MEALS:

Overall Excellence: 3.5

LANDMARK MANDARIN ORIENTAL HOTEL

15 Queen's Road Central, Central, Hong Kong

+852 2132 0188